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neuroconVery shortly after the divorce I started messing up at work. Primarily not going in enough. I started to call in as much as I could get away with, until I could not get away with it anymore. The anxiety of the MALL was a lot. Business Cindy was failing to show up and IIIIII did not know how to do that job. I spent progressively more and more time in the back room. Away from customers and employees and black friday rushes. From 2016-2018 I went through 4 different store manager jobs, and after that I started scrambling to make an income from home again.
I didn’t want to take my kids out of their school when we got divorced… it was the most important. SOME kind of stability for them during a hard time. That meant that I was paying picket fence prices on my own. Losing jobs and skipping child supports started to accumulate and in 2019 after almost 100K in rent trying to STAY, I finally decided to move them to a cheaper neighborhood. I got rid of a TON of stuff and moved to a place half the price. I thought if I downsize I will be more able to manage.
**THIS** Is why trying HARDER is BAD!! The more unattended the exhaustion, the greater the sensory issues and the faster skills decline. This is the difference in Autistic Burnout.
My smell sensitivity had gotten out of control by now, and my ex husband after having been fragrance restricted during the marriage, went full fragrance in his new apartment. So- EVERY time the kids came home from his house I sobbed and made them shower and change clothes before talking to me. I tried to arrange driving so I was only in the car with them BEFORE they soaked up the smell of his place. But I still sobbed every time they got home. Eventually they decided to just stay in their room instead of showering againnnnn to stop me from freaking out.
I felt like shit every single time. Why are you so defective cin- MOM there’s no smell- am I nuts? I am making my kids nuts this is not fair to them. It is not a smell I find displeasing. It is painful and maddening and inside your own face. You can’t get away from that. I since learned that sensory trauma was a big part of the anxiety I was feeling. Irritability. Emotions.
Autistic sensory overload refers to a state where an autistic person experiences overwhelming sensory input from their environment, like loud noises, bright lights, or strong smells, which can trigger intense emotional responses like anxiety, frustration, irritability, and sometimes even meltdowns due to the inability to process such a high volume of sensory information; essentially, the brain becomes overloaded and struggles to cope, leading to significant emotional distress.Â
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Just a couple months later, Covid hit during their first year in the new school. They had JUST started to make friends. To be honest I was not upset about the world being locked in the house. I liked being locked in the house just fine and without having to take the kids to and from school and all the activities and STUFF to do- I thought it would be relieving.
UNfortunately the at home business I managed to make prior to moving- catered to small business owners improving their website and SEO. And if you remember that little deet about covid- small business owners were screwed. So no business for me. So we were broke- but getting food stamps. And we couldn’t get kicked out at least. So I jumped full into making it the very best possible isolation for the kids. We had extravaganza meals and projects and I was ever present for homeschool. I redid everyone’s bedrooms, friggin built furniture for empty spaces to make this new ghetto friendless apartment feel ok to them. I tried. It was still an ex trap house, the neighbors were still crackheads, the homeless kid on our street still slept on the couch sometimes.
And no- overcompensating again did not have a different result. My level of burnout was nuts now. And sounds were added to my list of issues. The sound of the kids door closing. Singing. Practicing their instruments.
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