I knew I would not get away from him right there. My sister was the only family or person I had left in the world and I tried to tell her about the obstacles I was experiencing. Thinking not working. I told her I was STUCK in the motel because dss pays $361 but there are not $361 apartments. She said no. That cannot be true. She thought everything was excuses I guess- why I was once able to be a normal human being and now I am not- I must just not be trying. Playing the victim. After all, the narcs family tried to help you. She said time for some tough love.

TOUGH LOVE

I needed to get AWAY from him. I had been wearing his sweatpants and shoes to walk to my dss appointments and he literally called the police during one relapse to take them from me. The police knock on the motel room door to get his stuff. I wore plastic bags over crocs in the snow to get to my appointments after that. I needed to get AWAY from him and I had nobody. I chatted once in a while with a random Facebook friend I’d met once or twice. She’s nice and I checked on her sometimes. I had NO business asking her to drive for a whole day to save me. But she did answer my distress call and picked me up from the motel. She lives very far away. nearly 4 hours from the kids. I did NOT want to go that far away but I knew I had to get away from HIM once and for all if I was ever going to get back to them.

Everything happened so fast. I went from a 4 bedroom house filled with children and things and love- to barefoot alone in the snow with ZERO support system- in under a year.

So where we at- March 2023. I am finally free. Free from the bad guy. Granted I have no possessions or family or friends or sanity- I can’t THINK anymore, make decisions- and I am in a place with virtually zero hope of altering the situation without leaving it- but away from the narc.

There is a very well defined list of things that happens to someone who has experienced severe narcissistic abuse. the CPTSD and recovery are their whole own thing. There is not a well defined list for what happens when a decade long autistic burnout, loss of children and death of parents (job possessions car ….so many more losses) all coincide with severe narcissistic abuse.

But I am fine. I don’t know if my brain will ever be the same as it was before the last 4 years, but I am okay.

When I got here, ( I am still here folks- on my friends porch, since March 2023) and with communication means now- I started texting and calling and face timing and emailing my kids and ex husband. Every day. My oldest daughter and I have a great relationship now- and while we haven’t attacked and unpacked nearly a percent of what there is to address, I know we have the kind of relationship that we can. And we widdle through important things slowly but surely as she is ready. The younger two answer VERY sporadically. Months of gap. I keep texting in hopes that when they come back they will see I haven’t stopped trying. Maybe they will know how hard I think of them every single day whether they will ever love me again or not.

To break a generations long repeating trauma- It can’t even matter to me- If I get loved EVER again. To break it- SOMEONE has to take it both ways. I have taken enough things in this life already- that I can handle that. I can. If this is my adult story- imagine how fun the kid story is. I can TAKE it. For them to not ever have to.