As narcs do- he kept coming back. It was basically my lack of food and cigarettes that made his arrival welcomed. I hadn’t had income for a long time. My food stamps lapsed because I could not answer the phone call. I don’t know if it occurred when I was in the boat or if I couldnt answer it bc of phone panic. I made it wayyyy longer than you would think on pantry staples like flour- but I needed food. And he showed up with food and cigarettes and tears “I’m so sorry my hard life sob story”. Stockholmed.

But it didn’t even matter because I did it- remade the business, got it up and running- and after a VERY upset Christmas without my kids- Jan came with new hopes. I asked my ex husband for my rights to claim two of the kids that tax season. It was technically within the rules because they lived with me through August, but I felt terrible about asking anyway. Michael went through some SHIT because of me. Emotional and life turmoil.

But I knew I needed to have money- to have a home to visit children in… and money- for car to children. Somewhere during the tax season negotiations my mother died. The one I hadn’t spoken to in years- and as occasions will cause, the narc went crazy. This time tearing up the entire house. Put his head through a glass door, and left me there in a pile of rubble. My sister- begged me to answer the phone, answer her calls- I DIDN’T KNOW WHY I COULD NOT ANSWER HER. There was too many things- I was sitting in glass- my kids- now I’m going to deal with my estranged mothers death at the same time as doing the exact thing she did to me, in a pile of glass, bloody again, alone and hungry again.

My brain did not work well anymore at that point. Then I got a knock on the door and received BOTH_ eviction papers and custody court papers.

I couldn’t go to my mom’s funeral. Not even just bc I could not face my undealt with shit with her- but because I could not even imagine doing the people part- family I hadn’t seen in 30 years- I couldn’t even dress myself and friggin shower anymore and I didn’t have a car and HE would have to take me and I had court and sissy screaming at me and I was about to be homeless and I NEEDED TO GET TO MY KIDSSSSS

I emailed every lawyer I could find that helps low income people. I explained- I am confused and can’t figure anything out anymore. I need help. I do not know why my brain is malfunctioning. I am usually very smart. I can’t make a decision and I have a million VERY important decisions PLEASE is there somebody to help me. But there was not. People wanted to call me, have me come in, or ghosted me altogether— and honestly… the idea of hopping on a city bus and making it to downtown buffalo to a scary building about scary things all by myself- insane. There is no amount of force that could have made my body able to do that at that time.

I did not go to court. I huddled in a pile and do not know even what day it was. I blurred that week out into one solid knee hugging period.