So how does one, 5 hours walk from the next thing, with newly limited cognitive capacity- virtually zero executive functioning- no ID, possessions (shoes), transportation, insurance, or support system- make it from Syracuse to Buffalo- How does one make it from any city to another without a job? How does one get a job in a different city without getting to be there….and for that matter how does one get an apartment in a different city without any of this stuff? Even with money saved, wherever that may come from, how does one even fill out an application???

I went through many options. First, surely there is help for someone in this situation. Now that I know I have autism, I can advocate for my needs. I did just that. And what I was met with- welp I had to save proof because it is just the kind of thing I’ve been told time and time again- are excuses. These are not excuses, the world is fucked, and I need help. And there are hella lot more of ME’s out there. The dead ones probably. I also learned about autistic life expectancy and YUP I can damn straight sure see why and how.

1. Income With nothing within walking distance and no transportation, I need assistance of some kind to move forward, OR I need to earn money from the porch.
   • First I contacted DSS. I could not get temporary assistance without my friend completing the housing composition and income form. My friend is on disability and two of the children receive social security. She could not complete the form because she was afraid of jeopardizing her income by having another adult in the home.
   • Next, since I had been helping her with her kids and cleaning the house, (she has a physical disability and mobility is hard so obviously I am going to help her while I am here) I applied to be HER respite worker through a couple different agencies. I was unable to move forward because I needed to have a license and social and physical exam and immunization records.
     • So I contact DSS again. How can I go about getting these things which I need to GET a job- without money to get these things? That was the first “oof” I heard.
   • Next I tried to do the only thing I knew how to do that could make money from a porch. I started building neuroconvergence- on my Walmart android phone with limited wifi… It is technically DOABLE on a phone. But it is not FAST enough. I worked on that for a couple of months while I began working on getting a Lawyer. By this time it was becoming clear that my ex husband was not going to answer on his own.
2. Lawyer First of course I researched and found that I should have a copy of my custody/visitation order.
   • If you aren’t familiar with Buffalo, it is in between two different counties. I contacted both counties family court clerks and after some back and forth, and the extended time it takes to explain that I cannot call the office, both offices came back with no results.
   • Next I went through the same process with the supreme court divisions with again the same result.
   • Next I applied at all of the available “free” lawyers in the Buffalo area. I still do not understand why this happened or what I did wrong. One verified receipt of my application and replied that it was a 6 week wait for processing. Ok its free I get it. I followed up several times over the next MANY months and they never replied again.
   • I did this three different times with each of them. Re- applied. Re- emailed anyone involved in my previous emails. SAME. PROCESS. They retake my application, tell me 6 weeks, nothing again.
   • So by now I am freaked out. I send an email with screenshots of all my other emails and explain- I do not know why I am getting ghosted PLEASE do not ghost me. After 3 emails back and forth- ghosted me.
3. Income Back to this obstacle then. The website on the phone- was not finishing fast enough and with the added frustration of my lawyer struggles- I felt SUPER urgent to get back home fast. I needed to walk in to an office to get help. WHAT ELSE can I do to earn money from here. Well I am a crafty bish. And my friends porch has a lifetime of collected “stuff”. I can make “stuff” be worth something. And I can cook my FACE off.
   • First I started making inventory for selling at a festival. If I could make enough product, it could equal enough to get home. I got my spreadsheets out- it is doable. So I make purses and dresses and hippie festival clothing. I made sunflower honey and vinegars and ginger ale and protein bars… necklaces and bracelets and dried spices and organic cleaners and essential oil bug repellent… I saved every scrap of food from the trash and every damaged/garbage clothing item they had and turned it into a bunch of pretty cool sellable stuff.
   • The reason my friend rescued me when we barely knew eachother- SHE had been in an abusive relationship too. Shortly before the festival we found out that he was going to be there and she could not go and I could not go and I could not ask her to go bc nope.
   • Next I thought I could sell this stuff at a yard sale! And my friend had so much stuff to get rid of too… it would be a help to her and me if I organized it all up. So I did. Cleaned out this massive full porch and organized and stuff. That stopped almost immediately because I found the room for rent and jammed home. I explain what happened there later in the story.
4. Resources I was in Buffalo for 3 weeks and had access to people and going places because there was public transportation. I had appointments with Domestic Violence places and DSS and Social Security and Low Income housing agencies. I was able to get temporary assistance and a pile of resources from them. Geography matters whoa.
   • Leaving Buffalo lost these resources too. DSS and temporary assistance do not cross counties. Resources for low income housing- requires BEING there. Social security- Appointments and doctors and diagnosis.
   • I do not know how to access resources from the middle of nowhere.

Meanwhile. My children are a year older without their mother. Now. when for the first time I actually know how to take care of myself- to be able to- take care of them. Teach them how to take care of themselves. Demonstrate some good shit. I can’t get myself 3.25 hours to them.

They must think I am NOT trying my hardest. Else I would be there.