Good Show Miss Universe
neuroconInternalized Ableism
There have been too many things in my recent personal life, that touch on this subject, and have affected JUST ME directly- I could not -NOT- write about it. This last page was added a couple weeks after completing the rest of my story. REVELATIONS.
The Landlord
This past June, I ALMOST made it home! I did make it home! For three weeks. :// I found a room for rent in my KIDS SCHOOL district!! And it was cheap enough, that I could afford it on ANY part time minimum wage job. I knew for sure I could get that, maintain that… OMGGG and the landlord did not require a security deposit. I absolutely knew it was too good to be true somehow…. but as is often my failing thought, if I be a good girl and do all the things I am supposed to, what could go wrong??
So I borrowed the first month rent from my rescue friends parents. And JAMMED home immediately. I signed a lease, reunited with my oldest daughter the FIRST DAY!!! Ahhhh so grateful! I got a job the next day and I was within transportation range of ALL the things I needed to do. And I did the things and I felt SO good! The lady I was renting from, was a mid 50s single mom of a 19 year old who lived there too. There was a guy renting a room downstairs and I rented a bedroom upstairs. The house was lovely and well kept and clean so I was happy. I was lucky to be there when the Monks Walking for World Peace passed through and rested at my fishing spot! I cried of course lol. It didn’t take more than 3 or 4 days before things started to be weird. Uncomfortable.
I shared with her that I was autistic, when she began insisting to drive me places. I have become good at advocating for my comfort. No thank you here’s why. Additionally, many of the things I was getting done included finding a doctor, talking to dss, social security. Scary stuff I was frankly very proud to have done. I did a PHONE call. With my mouth!
Landlord
She started questioning my actions, whereabouts, and became progressively more worried that I was not going to pay her when rent came due. I could not understand why or where she got that idea from. She asked me about my appointments, did I go, what happened, can she talk to my DSS worker… she ended up YELLING at me when I refused a ride and took the bus instead. I’d only been there 2 weeks at this point, and I wasn’t hella worried about it. I had been approved for temporary assistance, (She signed the landlord papers so she knew too…) so I knew she would be paid, and then calm down, and I would continue to politely maintain my boundaries in the meantime. Those boundaries became- we do not talk about personal matters and my whereabouts is not your business most politely! There was a time she replied- “My son has the autism i know all about your PDA or whatever”.
OH. OH. Not only did she hear autism and begin to treat me like an incapable 5 year old and/or likely liar, but triggered the shit out of her. Guess when and why her husband left her and her son? Diagnosis. COULD universe possibly write a better story? Like stahhhp. Not that this knowledge helped me at all. She continued questioning and prying, I held my boundary most politely (which I think also upsets people somehow) and she got more irritated by the day.
When I was there for 22 days, I was out for a walk when she texted me- that I could not come back. I have a lease mam and I am not late on rent you absolutely can’t do that. I screenshot the law and sent it to her and she persisted angrily calling me a liar, that I am trying to live with her for free… again irrational stuff. I thought for a while it was because I am often perceived as a liar. For lots of reasons. I’m too nice but I actually mean it. It’s care bears and rainbows in my happy world and that seems fake. On top of the fact that regular autistic behaviors are also the body languages of deception.
It may have been all or none of that. I walked to the nearby police station, and because I am how I am, I had my file folder of important things in my bag with me. INCLUDING my lease. I did not think in a million YEARS I would not be supported. When in the presence of the officer, who had just received a call from the landlord to get me out- talking in a scary powerful naughty cindy kind of way…. My words stopped working. And I became entirely confused, flustered scattered. Curled inward. Posture curved, voice to a stuttery whimper. I cannot process that fast. “Where do you want me to drop you off?” Like pls hold sir I do not know what is happening yet. I tried to show him my lease, and TRIED to explain why I was having trouble communicating and needed time to think, and asked him to talk less scary. I guess that the interaction plus my aesthetic, and the location of mostly wealthy people and how I visually LOOKED there, and whatever the landlord reported, the officer said I could not go back.
I walked for 9 hours AGAIN, and eventually my rescue friend- drove 4 hours and back AGAIN to bring me back to the porch. I fought, got routed to the Attorney General’s office, who sent an investigation letter, and nothing more. And no resolution would matter anyway. Having left the county I did all that great accomplishing in? No. Must reapply in this county. The one in which I have no means.
This story is here because it is another example of how the perceptions out there- out EVERYwhere- can cause big problems. False information makes us HAVE to hide. For safety. And if you are past 22 years old and not diagnosed yet? There’s not anyone stepping in on your behalf. You are alone lost in the grocery store. Standing very still because that is how to get found. But mama’s dead. Nobody is coming.
Sissy
This is the hardest part of the whole entire story. I did not realize the truth of it all until a couple days ago. It just keeps getting truthier and truthier. I made a lot of justifications for my sisters behavior during the time I was in big need of help. Also now. I am still in big need of help. I sent all of this to her before anyone else. Her replies let me know where all of this has come from. Why won’t my ex husband answer me I have been through HELL. WHY did my own sister not HELP me get out. Why is she not helping me now. Her husband is a lawyer. She has like 3 empty bedrooms. WHY is all of this happening.
First I healed enough to disallow mistreatment. From anyone.
Then I saw how my sister had treated me. During a time that I needed real life and death help. She has been mean, belittling, and aggressive and our conversations have been circular and frustrating.
It was my own shame that would not allow me to see the words in front of my eyes
I was very busy feeling my own shame for all of the things I went through, and I took her aggression as well deserved. Of course she’s yelling at me I suck.
Writing this story helped me get rid of my shame. It’s gone.
Almost in that instant I could see the words on the paper. For what they were and for what they have been. For a long time. While I was going through… a lot.
To come out of narcissistic abuse directly into having your only living family ALSO say- “You are crazy, garbage, your kids do not need you…” and then NOT let me stay. NOT rescue me from abuse. WHY would that be?
WHY is all of this happening?
When I found out I was autistic I was super excited. I felt a giant relief, aha, hope for the future, I dropped a lot of feeling incapable and defective as a human. I felt amazing. And I almost immediately realized both my parents were autistic as well. At the same time as I was re-remembering my experiences, I was re-seeing my core memories about them. Things that I had always seen as one thing- were suddenly another. I hadn’t used the word Mama… maybe ever. She was Sue. In fact, Sue became a slur like Karen in my world. I had such a massive period of forgiveness and understanding that led to NO LONGER NEEDING to forgive. It was incredible. She became Mama. And my cute little daddy DID always love me. I was excited to share all of it with my sister.
It went badly. Her downtalking and sarcasm turned up a notch. She said almost every stereotypical shitty thing to hear from someone when you find out you are Autistic. SHE was like a video compilation. She was mad I was telling her about mom. Would not talk about “past” and wanted only to talk about sitcoms and… idk. At the time I thought it was a NT v Au thing like no small talk?? But she was so PISSED. She ended up blocking me shortly after Christmas last year. She said- “you are mot good for me in this lifetime”.
I did not talk to her again until LITERALLY the day I finished this story.
It took almost no time at all for her to start on me again. I shared I was STILL struggling I have tried everything! “Well you did it to yourself so….”
But I changed a lot since the last time we talked. I will NOT let someone say mean things to me anymore. I told her. No. And for the first time I had enough self confidence to also tell her how much it hurt that she would not help me. She snapped. She said she never put me out of her house. Never said to get out of her life…”Sister it was the last text between us I am literally looking at it.”
“Your memory is fucked cin you are lying and making up stories and twisting my words and need to get your shit together and take accountability for your life. You think you are teaching me something new about my own parents? Greg and I are both Autistic.
Wait what? Sister I just built a whole platform for #FindTheOthers
This time I recognized those key phrases and told her no more. I don’t care who you are, you are not allowed to make me question my reality. It took a few days for it to all make sense. If she knew she was autistic- HOW could she have said those things to me. WHY didn’t she tell me. I added it all up to Internalized Ableism. I just hadn’t yet seen how far it went. I wanted her to feel GOOD. I was sure she could not see her own behavior either. I was sure she was misreading the words on the paper.
This is the original post I sent her to read
The similarity with narcissistic patterns, which I researched WELL when healing from abuse, sparked my curiosity. My sister is NOT a narcissist. How could she do the same things as him? Same words that especially hurt to hear directly out of being abused. It made NO sense. She is soft and kind. And the connection became apparent. The behaviors mentioned are not exclusive to people with narcissistic personality disorder. They are a result of shame.
How ever could my Sissy look negatively on herself?!? Shame for what??! She’s perfect. An ANGEL. I said that to you probably 10 times this last text run. And it’s NOT because it was conditioned into me. It’s bc I know your baby child. I am the only one who knows her. I couldn’t understand why you kept saying I thought bad of you when my words were worship and angel. It sounded insane. You do know how I feel about you. You DO know how up I look to you. Shame is making you unable to see the words on the paper sissy. For a long long time. Just like me. I understand.
I don’t how to make shame erase, so you can see words on the paper. Maybe hear them instead in the song you gave to me back then. Say good show Miss Universe- and come love your sissy. I hope it happens REALLY really soon bc I miss you.
She did not want to snuggle. She got nastier. Again told me to be out of her life (while in the same sentence calling me a liar for saying she did the first time) and I said NO. You are my sister. Why on Earth do you not want to be my sister? Her reply was a long string of insult words like rude and disrespectful and you do nothing to change your own situation and you are a liar and I do not respect or trust you. You sent your story to people that already know it and you need to just move on from that.
Then it all clicked.
Move on from my kids? What are you talking about? And wait hold on. I haven’t been able to get my ex husband to answer me even once. HOW does he “know” the story? And more… I also sent this to my ex husband prior to releasing. Begging him to just text me for the best interest of the children. He did not, and his wife was pretty rotten. She made a facebook post saying “MY BABIES” (her with my kids) and also this one. It irritated me until my sister said those words. Action. Liar. This whole story is ABOUT all the action and obstacles.
So how does someone come away from reading this story- with the impression that I am a liar bullshitter and take no ACTION?? Those words are wildly close to my sisters words. How would she get that impression of me? Why on Earth would you call someone who just went through ALL THIS… unless you didn’t believe it because you had another idea already planted in your head?
Internalized Ableism Took My Children Away.
And now my sister. I have always forgiven everything without barely even mentioning it. (See what happens when I do) I do not think I can ever look at her again and be honest. I can’t blame her for coming out that way- people don’t really have choices about their survival mechanisms. So I do not need to forgive, that would imply blame. But it does mean my only sweet sissy, is dead. And I have to not ONLY explain all I’ve been through and done- but also fight UPHILL through disbelief not just to get TO my kids and court and home- but to erase 2 years worth of beliefs from my kids minds too. I don’t know if that is ever going to be possible.
- Internalized ableism can lead a person with a disability to treat other disabled people with distance, judgment, or even hostility, often by minimizing the severity of their disability, questioning their need for accommodations, or avoiding discussions about disability altogether, as they may subconsciously believe that being disabled is negative and should be hidden or downplayed, even when directed at others with similar experiences.
Key ways internalized ableism can manifest in interactions with other disabled people:
- Distancing themselves: Avoiding close relationships with other disabled people to avoid being associated with their disability or feeling like they are “too disabled.”
- “Passing” behavior:Trying to appear more able-bodied than they are, potentially criticizing others who openly use accommodations or identify as disabled.
- Disbelieving others’ experiences:Questioning the legitimacy of someone else’s disability or downplaying its impact, potentially saying things like “you don’t look disabled”.
- Competitive comparison:Comparing their own disability to others, feeling the need to prove they are “not as disabled” as someone else.
- Negative stereotypes:Unconsciously perpetuating negative stereotypes about disability, even when talking to other disabled people.
- Avoidance of disability-related topics:Discomfort discussing disability issues or actively changing the subject when conversations turn to accessibility needs.
Why this happens:
- Socialization:Internalized ableism often stems from societal messages that portray disability as a negative thing, which can be absorbed by people with disabilities themselves.
- Fear of judgment:The fear of being seen as “too disabled” or not “normal” can lead individuals to distance themselves from others with visible disabilities.
- Lack of positive representation:Limited exposure to positive portrayals of disability can reinforce negative self-perceptions.
How to combat internalized ableism:
- Educate yourself:Actively learn about disability rights, different disability experiences, and the nuances of ableism.
- Reflect on personal beliefs:Examine your own thoughts and attitudes towards disability and challenge any internalized ableist biases.
- Engage with disability communities:Build relationships with other disabled people and listen to their experiences.
- Seek support:If needed, consider therapy to address personal experiences with ableism and develop coping mechanisms.
Perceptions
Stemming from the same exact reason that it took 46 years for me to know I myself had autism, is the reason my sister did not tell me that she was autistic. It’s the reason the landlord and officer treated me the way they did. The reason there was no help available. This is not just a personal story. I would imagine that the amount of similar experiences- is ABSOLUTELY astounding. And I want to hear about every single friggin one of them in comments and VALIDATE YOU FRIEND!! The reason for ALL of this- is the perception of autism- not only in society, but in the doctor’s office and in science and in the research lab and in OURSELVES and our core beliefs.
What IS Autism?
And within that same question, what IS neurodivergence in general? There is absolutely a movement growing to reframe this answer. Humans standing up and saying, “Wait one damn minute- just because I think differently, communicate differently, need different rest- does NOT make you right and me wrong”. People are starting to see themselves differently.
This is not the place for the full theory to be discussed. There is absolutely a project for that please join HERE. Ability has a lot to do with environment and perception, similarly to the fish that thought he was broken for not flying like the bird. This article is about the reason we need to reframe, and the damage dominoes that come from our current verbiage and definitions.
We Need To Change The Definition
Here’s How
I hope that if you have ANY negative ideas about yourself as a neurodivergent human, this helps move that bar even a little bit. And if you have ANY beliefs about a neurodivergent person, as a neurotypical person?? I hope this helps express the experience, at least from my perspective, and opens your mind to other ideas. There are possibilities OTHER than what you are told by neurotypical doctors and researchers. K bye.
HELP ME GET TO MY CHILDREN
You can donate. Help me go home faster. Here is what the money will be used for:
$3- I will turn on a feature of my free voIP phone so that I can receive verification code texts .Then I can make a GoFundMe so that people will feel safer donating.
$5- I will activate hosting the first property of the Auffice to start revenue stream. For myself and any joining members.
$100- I will renew domain and activate hosting on second and third properties of the Auffice. These contain the largest potential revenue stream and most products and opportunities for joining members.
$500- I will get a hotel in Downtown Buffalo for 2 weekdays so I can walk into the lawyer and court and file necessary paperwork to see my children.
$50- I will activate hosting on the remaining properties of the Auffice so that all joining members interests are covered in an active site and the business can officially begin.
$800- I can get a room for a whole MONTH at a motel in my kids school district and within range of public transportation- so I can get to and DO the things necessary to change my situation. DSS, doctors, lawyers, jobs, income…
$2000- Security and First Month Rent somewhere in the Elmwood area walking distance to D’Youville and within bus route to Riverside. I can’t roommate because of sensory risk. Will a landlord rent to me? Might I have to prepay a lease to get approved? I am still in the same position of no job or rental history. I do not want to wait until I have a year of self employment on the books to go home.
Then- I will be able to access the resources that are available, and straighten out my own situation just fine.
***Please Note! This donation form does NOT land in the members fund. This one lands on me. If you want to donate to the members fund– THANK YOU that will start to build a safety net so that no other members will ever need individual donation forms.
You can know someone in Buffalo that will rent to me once I do have funds.
You can know someone that will hire me within walking distance of ^^. I have every skill. 🙁 whoa thats sad.
You can know my ex husband and tell him to pls stop it.
kbye
LATE DIAGNOSED? AUTISTIC ADULT?
Join Please. And help #FindTheOthers.
References & Resources
Narcissistic And Shame Based Behaviors
***IF you do not know the behavioral characteristics of narcissistic abuse you absolutely should. Check out Dr. Ramani, she is an excellent resource. It is easy because they all say literally the same exact words. So everyone needs to know those words!
What Kind Of Person Is Vulnerable To Narcissistic Abuse?
How Undiagnosed Autism Leads To Codependency
How to Recognize Early Narcissistic Abuse
Why The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Is Difficult To Get Out Of
Psychological Damage, Recovery, and Permanent Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
Internalized Ableism
Implications of Internalised Ableism
Internalized Ableism- How To Overcome It
Autism, Late Diagnosis, Giftedness, Masking & Burnout
How To Recognize Autism In A Gifted And/Or High Masking Child
The Importance of Early Intervention & Damage Resulting From Missed Diagnosis
The Perfectionist High Achieving Autistic Archetype
Why An Autistic Person Can’t Do What They Used To Do
Psychological Damage, Recovery, and Permanent Effects of Extended Autistic Burnout
Child Development, Co-Parenting, Parental Alienation
The Importance Of A Good Co-Parenting Relationship To A Child’s Healthy Development
The Parentified Child- What Happens When The Weight Of Being Mom Is Placed On The Eldest Child
CPTSD Resulting From Multiple Traumas In Childhood- Long Term Effects
How And Why Fighting Parents Is Traumatic For The Child
How And Why An Estranged Parent Is Traumatic For The Child
How And Why A Step Parent Claiming The Child- Is Traumatic For The Child
How And Why Parental Alienation Is Traumatic For The Child
What Is Parental Alienation And How Might It Manifest In The Child’s Behavior
LAWS- Dear Lawyers Where Am I Going Wrong?
Hostage/Kidnapping– 3 times- New York Penal Law § 135.25: Kidnapping in the first degree…He restrains the person abducted for a period of more than twelve hours with intent to: Inflict physical injury upon him or violate or abuse him sexually; or. Accomplish or advance the commission of a felony; or. Terrorize him or a third person…(Read More)
Abuse. All The Abuses.- Almost Every Single Thing On This List (and a perfect full mouth teeth scar on my leg to prove it) https://www.nycourts.gov/courthelp/Safety/DVacts.shtml
Illegal Lockout & Eviction- 2 times- Class A Misdemeanor https://www.nysenate.gov/legislation/laws/RPA/768
Discrimination- Source Of Income AND Disability. Landlord AND Officer. 42 U.S. Code § 12182 Prohibits discrimination by public accommodations, including denying access to goods, services, facilities, or accommodations. 42 U.S.C. 3601 et seq., 42 U.S. Code § 3604 SECTION 296- Unlawful discriminatory practices- Executive (EXC) CHAPTER 18, ARTICLE 15 https://www.nysenate.gov/legislation/laws/EXC/296#
Parental Alienation- is a “crime”. However, it is a matter dealt with not in a criminal court but in lengthy civil proceedings. Parental alienation was first recognized in New York custody cases by the Appellate Division in Entwistle v. Entwistle, 61 A.D.2d 380 (2d Dep’t 1978) and in extreme and ONGOING cases is considered abusive. Maloney v Maloney , J.F. v. D.F., 61 Misc. 3d 1226
I do not care about any of that
I do not want upset or punishing or arguing or re-going through any of those things. I JUST want to be friends with my ex husband, or at least speak in a friendly way… or at least SPEAK! because that will be best for the kids. I JUST want to see my children. It is taking TOO LONG to get to a location that I can walk into an office and get a lawyer to help me. I should not be estranged when I am going through all of this. LOOK how hard I have tried. Please help.
Last Resource
Why Autistic People Are At Greater Risk For Crime & Violence
Autistic Life Expectancy & Causal Factors: Autistic people are much more likely to struggle with from poor mental health and consider suicide, but there is little research into why this is. Studies have shown that up to 66% of autistic adults have thought about taking their own life, and an alarming 35% have attempted suicide. DEAR RESEARCHERS: This story is why. DEAR GOVT: Fix it.
The stats are wild. And my story should now demonstrate WHYYYY those stats are what they are. It is not a mystery and we do not need to wait until this generation has grown into a completed study. DO SOMETHING with this information if you are in any position to. Small changes will save MANY lives. #1- Remove diagnosis age barrier to OPWDD. Start there. K bye.