Basketball Diaries
neuroconAlso in March 2020, I met the narcissist. Please know I do not like to use ANY proper terms, let alone misuse an over popularized one that has lost its true meaning. I mean very literally, DSM5 evil narc. What’s worse is- he came from my childhood. I went to school with him. He was a cool kid. I’d dare to say a top ranking cool kid. I was not. And I took the love bomb portion of the show via endless messaging all through isolation times.
Knowing what I know now, of course there were a billion signs. Ways he would knock me down and subtly make me feel like more of a piece of shit that my subconscious already did. Test me. See how far he could go. To be perfectly honest it was the state I was in that allowed him to get me. I felt like a piece of garbage, and unsure of myself times a thousand. So it was easy to believe that all of the trickery and manipulation. I did already think I was wrong. Forgetful. Not remembering stuff right. All the digs and tricks added up.
Early effects of narcissistic abuse often include feelings of confusion, isolation, walking on eggshells, a declining sense of self-worth, increased anxiety, difficulty trusting others, constant self-doubt, and a growing dependence on the abuser, often due to the manipulation tactics used to control the victim’s behavior and emotions.
Early Effects Of Narcissistic Abuse
Key early signs:
- Emotional roller coaster:Â Experiencing extreme highs (love bombing) followed by sudden lows (criticism, devaluation).Â
- Hypervigilance:Â Constantly scanning for signs of disapproval or anger from the abuser.Â
- People-pleasing behavior:Â Trying to constantly meet the abuser’s needs to avoid conflict.Â
- Social isolation:Â Withdrawing from friends and family due to the abuser’s manipulation and control tactics.Â
- Self-blame:Â Believing that the abuse is your fault and taking responsibility for the abuser’s actions.Â
- Difficulty expressing needs:Â Feeling afraid to voice your opinions or concerns due to fear of the abuser’s reaction.Â
- Questioning your sanity:Â Feeling like you’re going crazy because of the confusing and contradictory messages from the abuser.Â
- Physical symptoms:Â Headaches, stomach aches, insomnia, fatigue, which can be triggered by stress and anxiety caused by the abuse.Â
Important points to remember:
Early intervention can be critical in preventing the long-term effects of narcissistic abuseÂ
Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional manipulation and can be very damaging to your mental health even in the early stages .Â
If you recognize these signs, it’s crucial to seek support from trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional .Â
Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
The cycle of narcissistic abuse typically involves three stages: idealization, devaluation, and rejection.
In the idealization phase, the abuser showers the victim with praise and affection, creating a deep emotional bond. This initial stage can feel enchanting and overwhelming.
In the devaluation stage, the abuser starts to criticize and belittle the victim, often using insults and emotional manipulation.
This tactic serves to undermine the victim’s self-worth and create a dependency on the abuser.
Finally, in the rejection phase, the abuser may discard the victim altogether, leaving them feeling isolated and worthless.
This cycle can repeat many times, making it difficult for the victim to escape the abusive relationship.
For more detailed information, you can refer to studies like those on the recognition of narcissistic abuse or the effects of parental NPD.
Within a year with him I was spending maybe 5 hours a day sitting in the car in panic attack. Meltdowns left and right. Crying and yelling at the kids. This is when I found out the narc was also addicted to a very scary drug whose name I cannot even type. By a means I cannot type. With images my eyes cannot unsee. I went to his house one day when the kids were at their dads and found him in wreckage- in a way I sure as hell did not know what the fuck is going on. Mattresses upside-down with gouges in it and a hole in the floor and he’s down there diggin in the hole with his fingers and glass. He lost what was left. If it’s not in the hole in the ground- it’s in his butt. He is digging in his own butt and finds a broken bag with teensy blue drugs… AND poopie. I stopped him from putting poopie in his arm and he sobbed and that lasted for a long time. And I had a new terrifying fear and trauma.
Research has shown that individuals with multiple traumatic events have more severe PTSD symptoms (Follette et al., 1996; Scott, 2007), especially dissociative symptoms, intense feelings of guilt and shame, and interpersonal sensitivity (Hagenaars et al., 2011).
He’s gonna put poopie in his arm if I am not watching him. I have NEVER seen some shit like this it was a scene straight out of a movie and I was NOT in the movie and I never watched one like it before. I had to turn off Basketball Diaries bc its too mf harsh and guess what- real is close but harsher and mhy state absolutely at this point could NOT handle that too. I talked to his parents- what do we do??? They were so nonchalant. Nothing. This is how it has been and they do nothing.
I started to go to his place while the kids were sleeping. My oldest was 17 and well able to sleep in the house with the younger 2. I would go to his house after they went to bed at night and come home before they woke up in the morning. Soon it became every night, and my panic anxiety meltdown grew exponentially while I was home. I was maintaining too much and scared too much and traumatized by too much now including senses and the things that hurt them…I was not making the kids dinner. I spent a majority of the time at home with my head in my hands yelling for which ever stress was stinging me- to stop. I felt entirely distant and urgent to get out of the stressful atmosphere.
I could not make any of the stressors stop, life does not stop. In fact they kept growing. Post Covid we all thought the school bus was WAY to yucky so I added 6 school pic/drops every day, and a soon to expire unemployment holding it all together. This story does not well reflect my state, or how it was to live with me. I knew- KNEW- I was hurting my kids with my shortness temper sobbing panic attacks- I was being a terrible mother and I could not make it stop.
I texted my ex husband on August of 2021 and asked him to take the kids to live with him. He is strong and stable and does not freak out on them. At the time- he was looking at houses in the neighborhood I’d just pulled them out of. They could go back to their friends, have stability. Unemployment was running out- I had nothing to even take care of them with and NO idea how to go about getting a job when I could barely make it through a day at home.
An autistic shutdown is a protective response that occurs when someone on the autism spectrum becomes overwhelmed by sensory, emotional, or cognitive input. During a shutdown, it’s important to provide the individual with a calm, low-stimulation environment where they can withdraw and process without additional pressures. This can include reducing sensory stimuli, such as turning off bright lights or lowering the volume of surrounding noises. You can also try engaging in activities that help promote relaxation and self-regulation, such as deep breathing exercises or listening to calming music.Â
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-to-know-about-navigating-autistic-shutdowns-8664150
And if this is not possible?
The recovery process can vary based on the cause of the shutdown, the level of overwhelm, and other factors. It’s important to respect the individual’s needs and provide them with the time and space to recover naturally.
It does not end.
Words cannot do a lot of things. Especially how it feels for a mother to write that text. Please take my children. I am hurting them. I believed that whole heartedly. And it was a sacrifice to me- to give up on Cindy, for them. They could be way happier living with dad and they wouldn’t have to live in Lockport and they could be happy. Wanting to keep them is SELFISH. TAKING THAT CHANCE AWAY FROM THEM IS SELFISH.
Funny thing about giant sacrifice- and giving up on oneself for ANYone else- it doesn’t do a body good. Of course now I know woulda coulda’s left and right. But from the place I was already in- of feeling like a failure at humaning- mothering- living in general- a failure at working- a failure at keeping a home together- and the confusion that comes early in narcissistic abuse- I took an emotional nosedive. I did not think there was deeper to dive at that point and I’m about to say that like 10 more times. I shut down in my sadness and concentrated on getting a new business together to get some income so I could DO something for them, have a friggin home to live in- and all of September that year I built the newest website. Nice easy drop shipping store. And it did pretty good straight away. Enough that I knew I could make it work and get everything straightened out.
I felt ashamed. I couldn’t face it consciously at the time, and always tried to keep our conversations positive and happy. My voice to my children was as though everything was just fine. It was too big and too much to be allowed to feel. It connected with too many unresolved childhood feelings. I could not accept that I was a piece of crap. But I must have been radiating that energy.
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