in 2014 I met a girl at work who was currently going to court against her childhood rapist. Her old man next door neighbor from ages 9-16. You will be happy to know she won. And he’s gone away now. In hindsight it was probably that connection that made me want to be friends with her. She had a crappy mom and hard stories and overcoming etc. And I never had a friend before… People have tried but I… I don’t LIKE to do people stuff and I’d always say yes and wanna be normal and right, but end up chickening out and never hanging. People would quit trying eventually and its okay. I didn’t wanna go anyway. BUT I did need people. And I hadn’t had emotional regulation from my partner in a LONG long time.

My friend from work and I could talk. I did not feel- performancy like I usually did. I ended up inviting her over to have dinner with the kids and idk I thought I would have a friend. What I did not know was WHY hanging out with her felt so good. It was the first emotional regulation I’d had in 5 or so years since my husband went on nights. The first non performance comfort, non kid conversation, non obligation holding human. I noticed during that time that I did not need to wear the tampons anymore. I got balsy and tried out a new soap…

During those times I thought the sensory reliefs meant I was probably right. SA. Dealing with it. Going through her court case with her must have definitely helped me with my own dealings. My husband did not like how much we were hanging out. By then she would sleep over and we’d have movie nights and take the kids to beaches… he was always sleeping or at work. It felt good to not be alone and also not be performing. I tried to include her as a part of the family. We brought her on our family camping trip that year… but he ultimately told me “no more”. Well THAT started a war. Probably a big part- don’t you tell me what to do, and the part I didn’t know- the reason I felt actual FEAR when he said that to me- I was not okay without a human by my side. He was trying to take away my emotional regulation toy.

We got divorced in 2016 and I started dating that girl before too long. Obviously the problem was that- just like my father- I had been gay the whole time. My dad came out in his late 50s and that made sense to me. I started to think the fact that I had a couple childhood SA’s meant a subconscious belief that “that’s all I’m good for”, and that meant sex was a performance to fill that role. And I was pretty performy. I wanted to be the best perfect girl for my husband which included.. idk being the BEST. At that too.

I am not gay though. So it didn’t go very well with her and the friendship love that got skewed up for BOTH of us for such terrible reasons got killed too.

My husband in the meantime- was REALLY suffering. He loved me. He would have stayed in a sexless marriage, getting yelled at for showering, forever. It felt BAD to turn him down days to months to years. And he was just so mf UNDERSTANDING. He would’ve lived that shitty way forever bc he loved me. The family is the most valuable to him, I took it from him and gave him a story he did not ever want, and he dragged out the divorce for 2 years. Sometimes paying child support sometimes not.

A good most of the big giant family cut me off (unfriended me) and I understood. Nothing will ever win over family. If I hurt him, they cannot be nice to me anymore. I get it. But I went from having a huge family to nothing and no one.

I dated another traumatized dramatic girl and then a crappy guy for 5 minutes… I felt an URGENT scramble to not be alone. If I had a break up- I was immediately on a dating site again. That day. Looking. To not be alone.