That summer, right after my husband had surgery, during a thunderstorm like a friggin movie, we found that while we were camping, a tree root broke through the wet basement of our rented house and RATS invaded. We found this out because of the footlong monster that ran across the living room floor and up the stairs towards the kids crib. Literally a movie. My husband and I ran up the stairs, tossed some children over our shoulders and ran out the house. When we moved out we saw the river. RIVER of them beneath the house.

We ended up staying in a friends “extra” house. (He’d been living with his girlfriend and not going home lol) We stayed there for a month until we could get a new place, but there was not wifi and I drove to the library and sometimes other family’s houses to work this now very demanding self imposed job. I had a conference and NYC trip coming up during the homed without utilities times. I had to fly to NYC by myself to meet strangers and then be a SPOKESPERSON for their startup company to 1000 bloggers….

DUDE WHO LET ME DO THAT!!!

No. Not Superwoman.

Business Cindy was indeed fire- but now she was on 24/7 and in way over her head. That NYC trip was absolutely terrifying. BUT I did it all, and landed the contract that would keep us secure for 2 years, and allow us to move into our little dream house. It seemed that the rats were a blessing bc we finally landed our picket fences. We moved into the house on the water a couple days after school started for the kids in 2012. We paid one rent payment and the company from NYC that signed me in a full ass notarized contract- emailed and said yeah no. We cancel that now. Going a different way than blog marketing. Naturally you would think that since there is a contract, that cannot be allowed. There are rules.

Ultimately he did and said- you wanna go pay a lawyer a retainer and hundreds an hour to fight this, go for it. It’ll cost you more than the contract is worth. He was right. So now we were in an expensive new house with three littles and no income and hubby is sleeping all day and gone all night.

It was around then that my “smell troubles” started. First I could smell the hamburger in the fridge. Of the neighbors house. Before long I could smell every person my kid talked to at school that day, and it didn’t take long at ALL for all fragrance to be banned from the house. I’d scream at them. All of them. Sneaking a new deodorant or hugging a friend with Tide detergent clothes… I felt trapped in an unsafe place if there was a smell. I felt furious with any family member that would do that to me. I became hard to deal with again.

I stopped having sex with my husband. I felt flinchy when he came near me. I couldn’t get comfortable sitting on the COUCH next to him…. like I could notice the angle that his weight offset on the damn couch and I was not parallel… I did not want to sit downhill and I’d yell at him about that too. I thought the couch was getting crappier. Not that I was. I hadn’t slept in bed in ages… it stopped seeming important to move off the couch when he was gone at work- what just to go to an empty bed? After a little while the bed was not comfy anymore either.

It was also around then that the tampons started and sorry for the TMI but I could not stand the feeling of my own choo choo. I wore tampons every day for over 2 years to try and block the feeling. And this is when I had no choice but to go BACK to the mall after idk how many years. It’s the only experience I ever had aside from my own entrepreneur things, and there was no time for building a new thing. I had to make my kids cardboard toys that year for Christmas and going from 4 kids work at home > business cindy.. it was urgent.

Dear Family- This was the year that a stranger gave us a mystery gift with money and cigarettes and gift cards. We were able to give the kids a great Christmas that year and I still don’t know which one of you did that. Thank you. It still makes me cry. It was incredible.

Business Cindy needed to show tf UP. She Did. Again.

Because of the nature of my new sensory problems, which I did not call sensory problems at the time obviously, I associated them with perhaps an unresolved un-dealt-with childhood SA? Maybe the smell of cologne and my annoyance with my own choo choo and flinching from touch- was from that. I’d had a mess of a relationship with my mom, as you may guess since I moved out at 15- but I’ll get into that and taking custody of my sister on a different day. I was really going through it trying to remember… being a kid…what happened to me…If it was one of the SA times I did remember I wouldn’t feel so confused right? There must have been something bad when I was really little. So I sent my mom a letter asking her what she remembered, who was I left with when I was little maybe? She snapped back in anger, said some things… I didn’t talk to her anymore after that, ever, and her reaction kind of reinforced my ideas.

So I am counting 2012 as the onset of the burnout that spiraled out of control for 11 years.